I just want to start out by recognizing that I am discussing this topic from a heterocentric POV. That’s just where I’m coming from, but I am so interested in how the LGBTQ+ community handles this topic because damn it must be so much more prevalent or normalized. Probably much less of an issue given the more fluid understanding of gender and general openness to non-traditional relationship dynamics.

Can straight men and women just be friends? The answer is undoubtedly yes, and it’s a pretty big green flag as well. For both men and women, but especially for men in my opinion, if you can befriend the opposite gender in a purely platonic fashion with no sexual undertones, I think it shows maturity, self-control, and respect. Men who can see women as friends only, even if they are attracted to said women and have no reason not to pursue, reveal that they view women as full human beings and not just sexual objects to conquer or validate their ego. Crazy enough, in this world, the latter feels like the norm. Whether that’s a socialized norm, a biological norm, or a mix of both, it’s present. But men who can just be friends with a woman, to whom they are attracted, get a gold star from me. I think both dynamics exist in all people though, depending on the circumstance.

But what does it look like when a man or woman with various close platonic friendships with the opposite gender gets into a relationship? Do things change when a romantic partner enters the dynamic? Should they change? How does the new couple adjust? Do the friends hold any responsibility to make the new partner feel comfortable, or is that just on the person with the various friendships? What do you do when insecurity and jealousy creep in?

This is essentially exactly what I’m dealing with in my relationship with my boyfriend – let’s call him sir. Sir has a mix of guy and girl friends that he’s had for years, some all the way back to elementary school and some since college. And because I love this man, I love his friends too. I don’t consider them my own friends since I don’t think I’d have a reason to keep in touch with them if he and I broke up, but I do generally like them and consider them an extension of him. I’ll also note that he’s a big loyalist. No new friends, and the ones he has mean a lot to him. These are close friendships that he values a lot. But part of the issue is this: sir is a very affectionate person. Love language? Physical touch immediately no competition. Not just with me, but with guy friends, girl friends, parents, cousins, anyone he loves. I’m not the same. I value emotional connection and the occasional hug, but I’m naturally not big on being all touchy. I can appreciate this about him though and of course love being on the receiving end.

However, I can’t pretend like it doesn’t bother me visually seeing this, specifically with female friends. I’m talking bear hugs, arm around the shoulder, shoulder rubs like one would do to hype you up before a game, all of that. Don’t even get me started on the one-on-one hangouts – ice cream, dinner, drinks. Just last night he was showing me photos from a late club night with him and his friends, and in almost every picture he showed me, his arm was around one female friend in particular who I’d probably say he’s closest to. Later on, he told me he showed me the photos in order to create some transparency around the outing, and I can really appreciate that because he’s actually a very private guy. Doesn’t like private messages and things being read (I do it anyways… read on and you’ll understand why). But damn, every picture? If anyone who didn’t know us saw these, you’d definitely think that she was his girl. Now I have absolutely nothing against this girl or any of his girl friends. I think she’s sweet, she’s very kind to me and we actually talk a lot when I see her. There’s no jealousy or envy toward her or any other woman; I fully recognize that this is about him only. I have never come across a real reason not to trust him, so I try not to drive myself crazy. But man, something about visually seeing this triggers the hell out of me. I feel on edge being around his group of friends because of this. And he’s aware because we’ve talked about this many times. Funny enough, I think he assumes, or used to anyways, that I’m this super secure badass woman that’s un-phased by these things. I appreciate that, but no, I’m quite sensitive and possessive. Crazy how being in a relationship over the last two years has brought a lot of good out of me, but also has shown me some less desirable traits to I need to manage.

The thing about sir is that he does NOT understand optics. What I love about him is that he is so… secure? Healthy? Golden retriever energy maybe? That he does things that may come off as borderline sketchy, but he doesn’t think anything of it because he genuinely has pure intentions. People close to him know he’s like this and probably don’t think anything of it either. He’s just being his friendly, affectionate self. If you point it out to him, he’ll laugh and shrug it off because it’s funny, not because it’s true. I really do believe he can’t imagine bad intent because it’s not in his heart. And there are other examples. There was a time he visited a female friend in NYC with his male cousin. They were at some party and – this is a story he told me, by the way – he got a girl’s Instagram as “networking” since she works in film and that’s a huge interest of his. Lol. Not only this, but his female friend then asked him why he decided to get her Instagram and start a conversation with her. Would he have done so if she wasn’t attractive to him? Shoutout to his friend for pointing this out because that’s exactly what I mean by optics – I don’t think he has bad intentions, but come on man. You’re at a party, single guy talking to a pretty girl, asking for her IG. Howww do you think that looks to other people, and especially to that girl? I don’t know, with that one maybe there was some sketchiness going on. He did come and tell me about it though. But like are you dumb?

Anyways, we have a few examples of situations like this where I’ve had to establish boundaries because he thinks he’s doing nothing wrong, and technically he’s not, but it can still easily come off as disrespectful. And it creates insecurity in me. Or, maybe it doesn’t make me insecure, but it brings out insecurity and possessiveness that’s already living inside of me. And oftentimes I don’t know what to do with those bothered, triggered, negative feelings because I don’t want to change this person (for some things, like hugs, but nah you shouldn’t be collecting strangers’ IGs buddy… but we’ve made that clear so don’t worry). I do know I’m not wrong for how I feel, and I stand on that. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t take any accountability.

So I’m learning. The biggest thing I’m learning is that it’s almost always better to talk to him about it than to suppress it. Pushing these feelings down does nothing for me but put me in a bad mood, breed resentment, give me an attitude, and ultimately create distance we both feel but can’t put our finger on. Talking about it with him brings us much closer, even if we don’t have a perfect solution at that moment. Emotional connection. Feeling seen and heard. I need that. The next biggest thing I’m learning is that it’s not just what you say, but how you say it. And the how needs to have humility. No accusatory tone, no yelling, no labelling/generalizing (you’re always XXX, you’re such a XXX). Announce that I need to relieve something, say it calmly and gently, probably with some hugging or soothing touch added in there, and politely ask for full attention and no defensiveness. Picking my battles is important too – it’s not helpful to bring up every little feeling of slight. You really have to pick the big battles and save the smaller ones for later. No one wants to feel bombarded or responsible for your every single trigger.

Things got so worrisome for me (LOL) earlier this week that I decided to use ChatGPT as my therapist. Definitely going to be doing that more often because it gave me so much understanding and guidance. For one, there are things that he can do to help with this. He already does a lot – he keeps me in the loop with the friendship drama, does little check-ins (not enough lately to be honest), and invites me out with them sometimes (which I’m likely to decline because again these aren’t MY friends and oftentimes they’re out until 4am which is not my vibe, but I still appreciate the invite). But when I’m with him and his friends, he can increase the check-ins to help me feel like I have his attention and so that I don’t feel like I fade into the background. Small things like eye contact, hugs, holding my hand, etc. And when I’m not there, he can still check in with texts or calls even just saying nothing. He used to be way better at that (he used to be better at a long of things during our first year of dating, if I’m being honest). That could be why I feel how I feel so much now – he has less intention with checking in these days. And truthfully all of those things would help a ton, because really what I’m looking for in these moments is reassurance and affirmation that I’m important to him too. But the hardest part is on me. It’s my responsibility to stop my mind from visualizing the worst case scenario. My imagination is bold – give me a bad seed and I will water it. It’s my responsibility to communicate the need for check-ins at all. It’s my responsibility to take hold of my thoughts early, acknowledge that they feed into negative emotions rooted in falsehoods, and choose a more positive visual path. It’s my responsibility to think about the things he does that do make me feel loved and important, and not just dwell on the negative. It’s my responsibility to remind myself the truth about these friendships, countering the lies I might tell myself. And it’s my responsibility to build security in myself in this relationship so that I don’t feel so fragile.

At the end of the day, I recognize that this is all really just my ego screaming to be validated. There’s a reason Romans 8:5-6 encourages us to set our minds on things of the Spirit and not on things of the flesh. Because baby, the things of the flesh will drive you insane. They will create all kinds of anxiety and insecurity and depression. But the things of the Spirit? Hope, salvation, worship, self-control, love, even conviction? These things are refuge. These things bring me peace. The things of God give me an insurmountable peace that make me wonder why I’d let myself get sucked into these black holes in the first place. Talk about a weight lifted off of my shoulders, when I think about the goodness, the sovereignty, the power of God. Sure life and it’s problems and it’s feelings feel REAL – they are real – just not as consequential as salvation and eternity with my Father in Heaven. So at the end of all this, it’s important to remind myself of what’s important. I am His. He is mine. I am loved. I have hope in an eternity of peace and paradise. Jesus suffered and died so that I could experience that. And the very real mental peace that that hope brings me is truly Heaven on earth. No relationship woes, insecurity, lack of assurance can take that away from me. God will be here with me, that hope will be waiting for me, no matter what happens in this life. Thank you Jesus!!!

Good night friends.

-BOO