I’ve always thought of grief in terms of human death, physically losing someone close to you. As in, they’re gone from this earth and you’ll never speak to them again. Specifically with it being against your will. This past week, I have come to understand it very differently.

In the past week or so, I (1) found out my boyfriend of three years has basically been cheating, (2) found out I was pregnant – WITH TWINS, (3) broke up with my boyfriend – now I have to get used to saying my ex, and (4) went through an abortion.

I knew that if my relationship ever ended, it would hurt like hell. We’ve been really close since April 2022. He’s basically been my best friend, the first person I want to tell any news good or bad, the only person who sleeps in my bed, my favorite person to do nothing with, my partner in so many ways. We’ve certainly had ups and downs. And a part of me knew that we do have some incompatibilities that could be to our detriment. I even began mentally preparing myself for a breakup this year if things didn’t feel like they were getting better. Mentally checking out a bit, making sure I’m investing in my friendships and hobbies and other areas of life outside of him. But letting go of him has felt like literally ripping my own heart out of my chest. Like watching my favorite character of my favorite TV show die in season 36. I am the one holding the knife and it is hurting me so badly. There’s literally no one closer to me than he is. I don’t think I would’ve been able to do this if it wasn’t for the nail in the coffin.

And I’m grieving all this like crazy. Not only letting him go, but also knowing that I was five weeks pregnant with twin embryos by a man that I love so deeply, and choosing to give them up too. That’s three knives stabbing me all at once. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom, and I’ve always wanted twins (two kids and only one pregnancy sounds like a great deal to me, don’t care if it’s hard and expensive). I know I have so much love to give to a child, better yet two. One of my biggest motivations to being a parent and raising a family of my own is just that – I want to give some little humans what I feel like I missed out on. For some reason I think being a mom will heal my inner child massively, as though the missing piece in my life is a stable childhood. A loving mom in a safe home with two parents who are stable and peaceful and love each other just as much as they love their babies. A launching pad where they can feel safe to be who they are, be cared for, and be prepared to go into the world as confident and purposeful adults. A warm little nest that they know they can always return to when life gets heavy. And I know that one day I will be able to create this reality – hopefully alongside a man who loves and respects me and is strong enough to cover us. It’s just that… twins? The time that I wasn’t ready just had to be twins? Like what are the odds? (I just looked it up – 0.4% of pregnancies are twins, or 1 in 250. But if you were once pregnant with fraternal twins, meaning you released two separate eggs that got fertilized, you’re ~10x more likely to have them again, and if you have twins somewhere on your mom’s side, that increases your chances too. In my short pregnancy, there were two separate sacs, but there would be no way to know if they were identical or fraternal probably until the genders were known or until they were born and their features developed. So maybeee again God?!? But IDK because my two sacs had different gestational “ages” so they were probably identical – a cell that split on day 2. Sigh). I definitely had my doubts as we pondered during our breakup convo what it would be like to co-parent, whether we would have a shotgun wedding to maintain our families’ image, what the twins would be like. He would be a great girl dad and I know I want to be a girl mom. I was angry, but he’s someone I love so much and can’t be mad at for too long, despite my disappointment, so things ended surprisingly amicably. And his words even gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe we could move forward with some work. But you just can’t trust someone who knows they’re about to lose you – he just wants to leave things on a high note, this isn’t everyday talk.

I felt so sure of getting an abortion as I was walking into the Planned Parenthood clinic with my friend. But knowing that there were twins gave me doubts. My dad told me I shouldn’t look at the ultrasound or request any information, and this is why. What made things even more complicated was that the ultrasound technician ended up telling me that she knew my family – she was my dad’s mom’s baby cousin. And she told me she felt my grandma’s presence with us. I cried and cried. She hugged me and made me feel so comforted. I just KNEW this was a sign NOT to go through with the abortion. I told my dad, I told my friend, I even called and told my baby daddy. I didn’t say it, but inside I was begging for somebody to tell me not to do it, or at least to think twice. Unfortunately, everyone I’ve told about this has been supportive of whatever decision I make and therefore extremely impartial. I just wanted someone to make the decision for me so I didn’t have to. I wanted it to be a sign so bad, but it just wasn’t. My dad said that God will bless me with twins when the time is right. Baby daddy said his coworker says twins are really hard. My friend said the fact that it’s twins actually makes the situation worse. My aunty that I’d just met just said that I should take care of myself. So there were no signs. None of this changed my reasoning. My grandma’s presence must have just been a nudge of comfort from God. I hope I did not disappoint her.

I did not get an abortion because I felt I wasn’t ready to be a mom. Although I am loving the freedom of my youth, and I don’t make six figures just yet, I do feel like I’m at a point of maturity and stability where I could welcome a kid. We could figure out the logistics. I got an abortion because my partner would not have been ready. He was not even ready for me, let alone any children. I was just thinking about how traumatizing of an experience that would be for me as a new mom, single or not. We’d been on a rocky road for the past few months for a couple reasons, mainly because I was really feeling how incompatible we were in our love languages (this is a bigger deal than you might think) and because I felt he was growing too comfortable and becoming less intentional and maybe even taking me for granted these days. I saw a big purple hickey on his neck on facetime while I was out of town. He was cornered, so he cracked and told me about how he struggles with and often gives into the temptation of lust and the single life when he’s in certain environments like clubs and parties where girls are looking good and shaking ass. Not always, but enough times – he pretty much ignores my thoroughly articulated boundaries and makes his own, which is basically to just not have sex. So that was the nail in the coffin for me: I WAS being taken for granted, as my intuition had been telling me. That was the clarity I had been asking God for. That man is a child and just isn’t ready for this, no matter how much he loves me when it’s just us two. He can’t uphold that when I’m not around. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants the Halle Bailey and the Sexyy Red. And on top of the love language thing, that is obviously just not someone I can bring twins into the world with, count on to support me during pregnancy and motherhood, nor who I deserve to be tied to for the rest of my life. Actually, he doesn’t deserve to be tied to me. The trauma of knowing that he struggles with sacrificing, and might still try to live this double life while I’m pregnant. The hurt from the resentment he might feel having kids before he’s ready, leading him to spiral farther into these vices. I just can’t bring myself nor two children into a relationship hell like that.

And it’s been extremely hard. Because again, we were deeply in love, despite his abuse of my trust. And the thought of other men is scary. I know his scent, his touch, his chest, his humor, our camaraderie. I don’t want to get to know another man. That literally just sounds scary. I’ve been trying on hinge, but it’s hard sometimes. He’s familiar to me. I know his family. I’ve spent Christmases with him. We grew up in the same town and knew a lot of the same people growing up. I’m used to him. It’s really hard. I’ve probably cried everyday for the past week… except maybe yesterday. Some days or moments, I feel okay. Sometimes, like pretty much since the moment I came home from my first hinge date last night, all I can feel is this loss. Do you know how hard it is knowing life doesn’t stop and you have to continue doing things like eating, cooking, cleaning, working, exercising, despite tears rolling down your face? The thought makes it all even sadder. Tears in my pre-workout meal. Tears on my work keyboard. I’m ripping my heart out of my chest right now and I’m committed to allowing myself to feel every fiber of my flesh being torn. The only way out is through, right?

So I’m grieving what could have been. I’m disappointed to know that he was actually worse than I ever thought. I’m devastated at the thought of giving up twin babies and if they even had souls yet, I pray to God that I get to meet them in heaven when I die. I’m heartbroken that I have too much respect for myself to keep a man that doesn’t value me as much as I’m worth. Letting go of the loving family I could have had today, with faith that God is with me still and will bless me with that dream one day, when the time and the person are both right. Hopeful that I will find a partner who’s a great match for me and is ready to love me and carry me the way I need and deserve. If I’m being honest, I’m hoping that my absence will force my ex into a pain that will make him grow up to be this man for me one day. I know he loves me deeply and misses me and wants to be that person, but just isn’t ready and I’m not even sure he knows what to do to get ready. Maybe that will be in a year, or five years. Maybe by then I’ll be so over and past him that I can’t even fathom going back. Maybe I’ll find some other lover who’s already ready for this. I know for sure that it’s painful right now, but I owe it to my future self to be strong and make the right decisions today so that I can best live out my purpose tomorrow. And I’m trusting that God is with me, guiding me, carrying me, loving me the whole way.

EDIT: After writing this, I just looked back on my last post about dealing with insecurity in my relationship and the boundaries I had to reiterate that I now know he deliberately crossed. I just have to flex for a second. I was such an amazing partner to him, choosing to trust him despite insecurities that were created, choosing to fight and pray for peace in our relationship and in myself, choosing to talk it through calmly with him and with God instead of blowing things up. I really put in the internal work, I did the reflecting, I did the healing, I did all the things. And he knew it. Meanwhile, dude was out here getting dances and hickeys from random women in shitty lounges like a common whore. It hurts my pride a bit, but it really just shows how bright my light shines, and I’m even more proud of that. I’m proud of myself for believing the best in someone I love. That’s truly what love is. I’m proud of the way I went inward instead of projecting everything onto him. Even though he was doing wrong, I’m proud I stayed true to myself and to my partner I believed in at the time. I am so so proud I walked away when it was all made clear. I deserve a love that would honor and reciprocate this light, a love that already has this light within them too. It is only God who shines through me.